it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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