So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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