I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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