cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
