He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
