she takes plan B like it's going out of style
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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