What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Someone shattered a urinal.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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