oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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