i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
