I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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