I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize