you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
