i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
