think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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