Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
