I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
