just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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