For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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