nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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