At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
