My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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