I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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