So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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