And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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