Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.