Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
