News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
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So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.