All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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