i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
