got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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