matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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