So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
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So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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