I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
