dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize