I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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