so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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