fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard