I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?