Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.