someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
