just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
