Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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