I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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