I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
