i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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