i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God, I missed his penis.
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