Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
