Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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