Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
