I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
