Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
