My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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